How could I?

It took me a couple of minutes to realise that I was grasping the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles had turned white.
I was oblivious to the traffic, which is heavy on the Ring Road, I was unmindful of the people driving with their High Beam lights on, who I usually curse for they blind me.
It took me a couple of minutes to realise that I was not breathing and was constantly muttering "Sorry, sorry, sorry..." under my breath.
It was only when I reached the signal and flipped the indicator up to turn left when the soft 'Tck' forced me out of the spell. The next 'Tck' after I completed the turn finally made me think about what I had done.
How could I do it?
How could I not have seen?
Wait, I had seen it; you can't lie when the only other witness is yourself.
But, the traffic was heavy, I couldn't have braked. It was too late when I saw it.
No, I should have braked. I should have at least tried.
I thought it will run away, it will cross the road, it will miss the wheels.
I wasn't speeding. I should have seen it from farther. It was dark.
Maybe if I was not singing and had seen the ground, instead of gazing at the sky.
But no, I did see, it was just too late.

I just cannot get the screams of the tiny puppy that came against my car today out of my head.

So small, it was hardly a little blob above ground. It was a small black puppy. And it was 8 in the night. That stretch of road doesn't have street lights.
However I try to shirk the guilt, I still keep going back to what I should have done.
If I had braked, I would have stopped on the puppy, right above it.
I saw it too late.
It darted across the road, without a sound.
I could not have swerved to any side and stopped either. But maybe I should have tried.
It was so small; I couldn't even see what happened to it after it hit me with a small thump.
I wish it lived. I really do.
All I heard behind me were those piteous yelps. Those cries.
Twice and then no more.
I wish the puppy got up and walked off, hurt a little maybe, but nothing more.

I have never had any pet, I don't love animals with the passion some do.
Our lives don't intersect. I co-exist peacefully with most insects and worms that swarm our tropical houses. All except the cockroach. That I get either my father or mother to kill, if I see one. I am scared of cockroaches, but nothing else. Not spiders, not lizards, not centipedes, not frogs. And flying cockroaches immobilize me with fear and can cause a heart flutter, of the bad kind.
But I was not the kid who squashed those big black ants for fun. Or caught butterflies and pinned them on cardboard. I didn't join my friend who boycotted all the animal dissections in 12th standard. I didn't have qualms about cutting a grasshopper to observe meiosis in the Biology lab

But this one was a puppy. A tiny puppy.

Among all animals, dogs are the ones I like best and sometimes even think I will have a Golden Retriever, later on in life. You know, when I have kids.
I somehow feel kids should group up with animals, hopefully a dog.
Opens them to love of another kind, friends of another type.

I kept muttering "Sorry" for a long time. I wanted to go back and see what happened. I wanted to stop and pick up the puppy. But I would not have known what to do with it.
For a long time, I tried convincing myself that the pup most likely just bounced off my bumper and walked away. No one from behind me shouted at me, they must have seen the pup walk away. Was it a lorry behind me? No, most likely a two wheeler. He wouldn't have run over it, if it was still lying on the road.
No, I cannot play it again in my head.

I was not fast, I was careful. But I should have seen sooner. Maybe I should have swerved and stopped. Maybe...

I don't know what I should have done, but what I do know is that I probably will not sing again for a long time while I drive.

Pup - I am sorry. Please be alright. Please.