If I could have and should have, would I have?

I am reading this book about parallel lives (parallel consciousnesses for the snobs!), thought patterns, there just being One life in the universe and we all being part of the One who split at choice crossroads and such deep stuff!
I really like reading about such things because it gives a nice excuse to speculate on the 'What could have been?'s.

Now we know how vicious going down this line can be.
Thinking about what-might-have-been-had-you-only can ruin an otherwise perfect day.
It can leave you depressed/dejected, but not if you are like me. I always convince myself that my now is the awesomest place to be and I have turned out much better than I would have had I taken a different fork at one of those 'choice crossroads'.
(Who cares that I the work I do seems more meaningless each passing day, marriage is rapidly claiming dear friends leaving me with no one to have 3 hour Gtalk chats with and singledom seems to have upgraded my membership to the club from Trial to Permanent?)
Yes, self preservation basically, I know!

Going back, I have not had too many choice crossroads actually.
Here are my guesses at how my currently non-existent life would be had I chosen differently in the past:

1. Not run the question over in my head three million times before the teacher moved on - when asking a question in class

Though I was a good student all my school life, I was never the best in terms of class participation.
If I had a doubt, I would somehow convince myself that I could find the answer somewhere.
If I knew the answer to the question asked, I would somehow convince myself that the teacher will anyway pick someone to answer, why volunteer?
If I had a particularly intelligent observation, I would word it so many times in my head that the 'optimum commenting window' would pass.
So, I never was the doubt-asking, hand-waving, overly eager student.

And later on when I got rather good at justifying things I did, I dismissed others as being too "show off-y/wannabe/attention seeking"
They should rather aspire to be like me - the perfect example of not trying too hard!

How would I be different if I had asked all those questions?
Maybe question-asking would be my second nature; maybe I would start chanting "Why? What? Where? When? How?" in my dreams.
Yes, the 4 Ws and an H - the journalism cornerstone.

I would have been a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist now, rather than a chronically bored techie. I would write world altering human-interest articles, UN would commission my year long trips around South America to write about the place and people, newspapers would clamour to carry my oh-so-elusive columns, I would be the one penning Expert Opinions on some topic....

If only I didn't think twice about asking that question in Std 2.

2. Had won the first prize for the class drama 'The Confession' in Class 9

We used to have Intramurals in school, which were these yearly competitions in all sorts of areas - sports, dramatics, singing, dancing, debates etc.
Drama was a group event which led to lots of creative juices flowing in all and sundry.
We would scout first for the material, then fashion a play out of it, then through highly complex class politics mingled with diplomacy decide who would act in what roles, decide on the costumes which was part that was most fun, practice many times and finally stage the play.

We started off with fairy tales like Snow White, Cinderella when young, say around class 5-6.
In Class 9 we had Anton Chekhov’s play 'The Confession' as part of our syllabus. We ambitiously decided to stage this play for the Intramurals.

I was always interested in Dramatics and while everyone wielded all batons in our rather clique-less class, I ended up directing the play (as much as group dynamics cum democratic choice making would allow at least!) We staged a pretty successful play that year, but I think we got the second prize.
(There were 2 sections - A and B and hence 2 contenders for class level activities!)

Had we snagged the first place over 9 A, I would have undoubtedly seen that as a sign that Drama is my life's calling, promptly enrolled in NSD, graduated with flying colours, been the country's foremost experimental theater director, dabbled in Kannada and English Drama, staged critically acclaimed plays even in close by Ranga Shankara in Bangalore, worn my hair short, carried a Jhola and worn only Khadi/Fab India clothes.....

If only those blasted 9 A guys had done something inferior!

3. Had chosen to do medicine after Std 12.

My father is a doctor and maybe because of that whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, the stock reply was to be a doctor.
When I did grow up, I discovered that I liked Biology and more specifically Anatomy and all things human. (I didn't care for Botany.)
Even more specifically, I discovered I loved Neurology and slowly, being a Neurosurgeon seemed to be my life's calling.

I would endlessly fantasize about performing complex 15 hour brain surgeries, being a world renowned surgeon who gets invited to elite medical conferences to present papers on cutting edge cranial surgery techniques, remotely help surgeons all over to carry out the 'The Meera Method for Medulla Oblongata incision'......

If only I had stuck to becoming a doctor!

4. If only I had asked That Guy out in college

My love life was as pathetic in college as it is now.
But there was this one guy, who was witty, funny and interesting - from a distance that is, because I barely knew him though he was a classmate. He was my one enduring crush in college and true to form, I ensured nothing absolutely happened.

If I had done something maybe…err its hard to speculate!
Unlike my other fantasies, this one's hard to guess.
We might still be together or we might not, we might be in looove or we might not.
Should love be this complicated even in my own fantasy-land? Humph!

I am stopping at number 4. 5 would make my 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' (as a Carrie Bradshaw would say) list have one too many!
By no means is this list complete, but if nothing else I have realised its never too late to convert a could have - should have - would have to a have.